James and I had LONG discussions about the name change issue when we were engaged. He comes from a family where all the women change their names. Every. Single. One. I come from a family where it's fairly mixed, and people just sort of go with the flow a bit more. James has exactly one published paper, and that actually ended up being part of the deciding factor (I have none). Another part was that when I casually mentioned to James's sister and her husband that my mother had kept her maiden name, the conversation went something like this:
Darlene: WHAT? Why would she *do* that?? Frank: I mean, doesn't she love your father?? Me: (mumbles in response)Well, they've been reasonably happily married for over 30 years, so I would think so (I was pretty surprised that, even given that I knew what they thought about name change, their response was so dramatic) Darlene: Really, though, WHY would she bother? Me: Well, she was one of the first women to work at her agency as something other than a secretary, and she thought the men she worked with would take her more seriously, so it was partly about her career. Darlene: Career? It's not like she was famous or anything, not like Angelina Jolie (um, yes, this is a direct quote... I couldn't make this up). Me: umm... well... yeah, moving on...
My parents, meanwhile were both fairly horrified that I was contemplating changing my name. My mother's reasons were mostly about "screw the patriarchy -- if anyone takes anyone's name, why not have James take YOURS?"
My dad on the other hand had his own, um, special reasons for being upset. When he and my mom were engaged, he asked her why she wouldn't take his name. She gave various career-based and "I've always had this name, it's mine"-based answers, which mostly satisfied him, except he couldn't understand one thing -- why she would want to be at the end of the alphabet. He tried in vain to convince her that really, a B last name was much better than a W last name. She mostly laughed at him, and ultimately he didn't actually care that much. Several years later, my dad's dad died, and my grandmother remarried. A man with the last name of Wool. She changed her name, ignoring my dad's protests that she would be doomed forever if she went to the end of the alphabet (really, there were other issues my dad had with that marriage, like my step-grandfather is certifiably crazy, but he didn't go there). Another one lost, alas. Then, it was my turn to get married and who did I pick to marry, but somebody who's last name starts with W. Horrors!! My dad, amusingly, failed to convince me as well. It makes him sad in a funny sort of way.
Ultimately, I decided it was not worth dealing with the hassle James's family would give me if I kept my name, and I was attracted to the idea of having an easier-to-pronounce, easier-to-spell last name as well. James also felt really strongly that we should have the same last name. I did ask James if, in hypothetical-land, he would have been willing to change his name to mine if he didn't have the paper, and he said yes, which made me feel I wasn't caving *too* much to the patriarchy :)
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-05-20 07:51 pm (UTC)Darlene: WHAT? Why would she *do* that??
Frank: I mean, doesn't she love your father??
Me: (mumbles in response)Well, they've been reasonably happily married for over 30 years, so I would think so (I was pretty surprised that, even given that I knew what they thought about name change, their response was so dramatic)
Darlene: Really, though, WHY would she bother?
Me: Well, she was one of the first women to work at her agency as something other than a secretary, and she thought the men she worked with would take her more seriously, so it was partly about her career.
Darlene: Career? It's not like she was famous or anything, not like Angelina Jolie (um, yes, this is a direct quote... I couldn't make this up).
Me: umm... well... yeah, moving on...
My parents, meanwhile were both fairly horrified that I was contemplating changing my name. My mother's reasons were mostly about "screw the patriarchy -- if anyone takes anyone's name, why not have James take YOURS?"
My dad on the other hand had his own, um, special reasons for being upset. When he and my mom were engaged, he asked her why she wouldn't take his name. She gave various career-based and "I've always had this name, it's mine"-based answers, which mostly satisfied him, except he couldn't understand one thing -- why she would want to be at the end of the alphabet. He tried in vain to convince her that really, a B last name was much better than a W last name. She mostly laughed at him, and ultimately he didn't actually care that much. Several years later, my dad's dad died, and my grandmother remarried. A man with the last name of Wool. She changed her name, ignoring my dad's protests that she would be doomed forever if she went to the end of the alphabet (really, there were other issues my dad had with that marriage, like my step-grandfather is certifiably crazy, but he didn't go there). Another one lost, alas. Then, it was my turn to get married and who did I pick to marry, but somebody who's last name starts with W. Horrors!! My dad, amusingly, failed to convince me as well. It makes him sad in a funny sort of way.
Ultimately, I decided it was not worth dealing with the hassle James's family would give me if I kept my name, and I was attracted to the idea of having an easier-to-pronounce, easier-to-spell last name as well. James also felt really strongly that we should have the same last name. I did ask James if, in hypothetical-land, he would have been willing to change his name to mine if he didn't have the paper, and he said yes, which made me feel I wasn't caving *too* much to the patriarchy :)
Ack, sorry this is so long...